Feb 24, 2011

Civil Engineer Jokes

Like all City Planners, I enjoy telling Civil Engineer jokes. Planners and Civil Engineers work closely together. Their minds are typically very different. And they work very differently. Planners are always coming up with ideas to improve the city, and engineers are always coming up with all the reasons why the idea will cost too much and is from left field.


You can always tell and engineer. He won't understand what you said. He won't do what you ask. He will ignore you. But you can always tell him.


I have never met a Civil Engineer.


Some of my best friends are Civil Engineers. I have nothing against Civil Engineers. I would even let one of them marry my daughter, provided they agreed to raise the children in the City Planning Faith.
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Here are some more sent to me by my friend Bernie Zarecki.


Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where  did you get such a great bike?"  The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding  my own business, when a beautiful  woman rode up on this bike, threw it to  the ground, took off all her  clothes and said, "Take what you want." The  first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have  fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers  #2

To the  optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the  pessimist, the glass  is half-empty.
To the  engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must  have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't  know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"



The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said,  "Hello, George.  What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The  green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind  firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last  year, so we always let them play for free anytime."


The group  fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."


The doctor  said, "Good idea. I'm  going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." 

The engineer  said, "Why can't they play  at night?"


Understanding Engineers  #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and  civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." 

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."


The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding  Engineers  #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog  called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a  beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.  The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." 



The engineer  took  the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the  pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."  

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've  told  you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one  week  and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" 

The engineer  said,  "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."   
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The Doctor, the City Planner and Engineer in a Bit of A Bad Spot



Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a city planner, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.


The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"


"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."


So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.


Then the city planner was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."


So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the planner's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the planner was set free.


Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."


So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:


"WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
  
Jane M. Gerdes, P.E.





Cartoons from 


http://www.clker.com/


http://search.dilbert.com/